It is so hard to describe. I don't even think about it and suddenly I feel it coming. It's a lot like Christmas time when you get that feeling and all the memories come flooding back. I remember after Hannah passed away and the month changed from September to October on my calendar. I had been anticipating September for so long awaiting her arrival, not knowing from day to day what was going to happen. Would she make it to term? Would she be born alive? Would she take a breath? (Please let her take a breath) Would she live? Would she struggle her whole life with complications? So many questions. And then it was October. I could not believe that September was over. Life goes on. It feels like it shouldn't, it feels like it should have stopped. So here we are again in September remembering our Hannah, and also our niece Willa who also lived and died in September, and longing for them to be with us.
Hannah would be three years old now. Unbelievable. I find myself wondering what she would look like, what her personality would be. I imagine she knows us much better. We always say goodnight to Hannah and Sydney and Olivia are quick to remind me that she is with us in the car, or on a walk.
People say time heals all wounds. I'm not sure this is true. I think time is like practice for dealing with the grief and pain. Am I healed from this wound? no. But I keep going with as much positivity as I can because I know there is not much sense in living life in despair. I know without a doubt that I will see Hannah again. Happy Birthday my sweet girl - here is my letter to you:
I think of you every day. When I look at kids your age, it makes me miss you so much. I know you are with us, watching us, looking out for us, whispering thoughts into our heads - Thank you. I don't know if you know how special your role in our family is. You made us a closer family. You made us a forever family. You help me to be a stronger person, a better person. Whatever the next step is in this life, I'm so excited for it to come because I know you'll be there waiting for us. It's comforting to know that you have people there who love you. Cousins to play with, and Great Grandparents to give you hugs and kisses. I hope you hear our good nights to you and the songs we sing you. Someday I hope you can sing with us all together. I can't wait for that day! Sydney and Olivia adore you and wish you were here. Thank you for teaching me about light and how important it is to fill yourself with the light of Christ. I remember when you looked at me the night you died and you said goodbye with your eyes. I felt you say goodbye. You had a weak body, but such a strong spirit! Thank you for staying with us as long as you did. I think that was more for us than for you. I love you so much and I miss you. Happy Birthday my sweet Angel.