Thursday, August 20, 2009

Wake Me Up When September Ends









It is so hard to describe. I don't even think about it and suddenly I feel it coming. It's a lot like Christmas time when you get that feeling and all the memories come flooding back. I remember after Hannah passed away and the month changed from September to October on my calendar. I had been anticipating September for so long awaiting her arrival, not knowing from day to day what was going to happen. Would she make it to term? Would she be born alive? Would she take a breath? (Please let her take a breath) Would she live? Would she struggle her whole life with complications? So many questions. And then it was October. I could not believe that September was over. Life goes on. It feels like it shouldn't, it feels like it should have stopped. So here we are again in September remembering our Hannah, and also our niece Willa who also lived and died in September, and longing for them to be with us.




Hannah would be three years old now. Unbelievable. I find myself wondering what she would look like, what her personality would be. I imagine she knows us much better. We always say goodnight to Hannah and Sydney and Olivia are quick to remind me that she is with us in the car, or on a walk.



People say time heals all wounds. I'm not sure this is true. I think time is like practice for dealing with the grief and pain. Am I healed from this wound? no. But I keep going with as much positivity as I can because I know there is not much sense in living life in despair. I know without a doubt that I will see Hannah again. Happy Birthday my sweet girl - here is my letter to you:




Dear Hannah,



I think of you every day. When I look at kids your age, it makes me miss you so much. I know you are with us, watching us, looking out for us, whispering thoughts into our heads - Thank you. I don't know if you know how special your role in our family is. You made us a closer family. You made us a forever family. You help me to be a stronger person, a better person. Whatever the next step is in this life, I'm so excited for it to come because I know you'll be there waiting for us. It's comforting to know that you have people there who love you. Cousins to play with, and Great Grandparents to give you hugs and kisses. I hope you hear our good nights to you and the songs we sing you. Someday I hope you can sing with us all together. I can't wait for that day! Sydney and Olivia adore you and wish you were here. Thank you for teaching me about light and how important it is to fill yourself with the light of Christ. I remember when you looked at me the night you died and you said goodbye with your eyes. I felt you say goodbye. You had a weak body, but such a strong spirit! Thank you for staying with us as long as you did. I think that was more for us than for you. I love you so much and I miss you. Happy Birthday my sweet Angel.



Love Always,


Mommy







5 comments:

  1. Sweet, sweet Katie. What a beautiful tribute to your precious angel Hannah. I have no doubt that she is constantly watching over your and whispering thoughts to you and Tom and your sweet girls. It's amazing the things some people (you) are asked to endure in this life and you're one of the few that allows such trials to make you better and stronger. How comforting to know that you are a forever family and that you will see and snuggle and love that precious, perfected Hannah one day.

    Praying for you in the month of September . . .

    xoxoxo
    Love you all,
    Annie

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  2. Oh Katie, this was so neat for you to share this with us... we wish we knew little Hannah so much! I admire your strength, your whole families strength- I always have. You're just one of those special families to us, that we are so so grateful to know! Sweet Hannah is so lucky to have all of you, and you are lucky to have her. I can't imagine what a month this is for your family every year, and I'm so sorry that you are the ones who have to endure this. We will keep you in our prayers and please tell your sweet sweet girls we miss them like crazy! Tate still asks about them almost every day:(

    Love you, miss you!
    Chels

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  3. Katie, thank you for sharing such a beautiful post. My heart goes out to you and your family. It's always touched me how much you love ALL of you girls. I agree about your thoughts on time and healing. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you continue on your grieving process.

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  4. I so wish I could have met Hannah, but I am sure that someday I will. Your strength and the joy that always seems to radiate from you even in difficult times has in turn given me strength. Thank you!
    Love,
    Your cousin Kelly

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  5. You're so strong, thanks for sharing your faith and love with us. My prayers are with you this September as you reflect and grow in this time once again.

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